It was another bright and sunny Saturday morning as Wikipedia White came downstairs for breakfast. Wikipedia wasn't his real first name but it has been his nickname for so long now almost no one knew the difference. They called him Wikipedia because he knew so much about so many topics he could offer information up as readily as Wikipedia. In some cases even more readily as Wikipedia White didn't need a wifi connection....at least not usually.
"Good morning Wiki, just in time for breakfast."
"Good morning Mom, looks great. Good morning Dad."
"Good morning Wiki", Wiki's Dad said from behind his paper.
Wiki sat down to a plate of eggs, sausage and toast which he promptly formed into a tasty breakfast sandwich.
"You know guys, sandwiches were first made so that gamblers could eat more easily while playing cards."
"I did not know that Wiki, thanks for sharing.", Wiki's Mom chirped a little too cheerfully through gritted teeth.
Wiki happily continued eating and pondering a great many other interesting facts. He like to share them a few at at time so as not to confuse his aging parents. He decided to save his others for another breakfast.
After breakfast Wiki decided to go for a walk during which he ran into his friend Rahim. Rahim wasn't like the other Indian kids in Wiki's school. He was obese and almost completely out of touch with his culture. He also had the latest gaming console which made him a pretty cool friend indeed.
"Hi Rahim."
"Hi Wiki, have you heard about Mrs. Conners?"
"No Rahim, I haven't. What's going on?"
"Someone broke into her house and took her jewellery box."
"That's terrible Rahim, we should go and see if we can help."
"That's what I thought you'd say Wiki. Let's go."
A short while later they were standing in front of Mrs. Conners' house. With confidence and certainty Wiki knocked on the door.
"Hi Wiki, what brings you by?"
"We heard you were robbed Mrs. Conners."
"That's true Wiki. Someone came in through the bedroom window and took my jewellery box."
"That's terrible Mrs. Conners. Did you know that the word jewel comes from the Latin word jocale which means plaything and has nothing to do with Jewish people."
"No Wiki, I did not know that.", said a stunned and tolerant Mrs Conners.
"Well now you do. That's not why we're here though. I wanted to have a look around to see if I could find some clues and help you solve this case."
"Oh Wiki, the police have already taken my statement. I don't know if there's anything else to be done here."
"I'll be the judge of that Mrs. Conners.", and with that Wiki started looking around for clues. In Mrs. Conners' bedroom he found a lot of broken glass, which not only came from silica and heat but also from the broken window. Outside he found some excrement, candy bar wrappers and an odd looking pipe.
"What do you think of all these clues Rahim?"
"I think you shouldn't be poking around in that poop Wiki; it's unclean."
"Oh Rahim, I know you Indians have a think about cleanliness; but it's fine. Looking at the contents I have already deduced that it's human."
"How do you know that Wiki?" Rahim said, choosing to ignore Wiki's comment.
"Easy Rahim. Dogs don't eat skittles, at least not without eating some wrapper too. No wrapper here, so it must be human." With that statement Wiki had an ingenious idea. "Let's go talk to outdoor Dave! He also poops on peoples lawns. He may be a suspect or at least have an idea of who we should be looking for."
A short while later they were at the shopping cart of outdoor Dave. Dave was in the process of cleaning the chicken off of some tinfoil.
"Hi outdoor Dave. Sorry to interrupt your lunch."
"Hi Wiki, Rahim. You're not interrupting anything. I'm just cleaning this tinfoil so that I can make a thought blocking device to protect me from the government."
"Good call outdoor Dave. I've heard that at least 50% of homeless people were molested as children. Your private thoughts should be your own, not exposed for the government to record or meddle with."
"Good point Wiki.", said a teary and haunted outdoor Dave. "What can I do for you two?"
"Mrs. Conners had her jewellery box stolen from her house. We looked for clues and found a broken window, some candy wrappers and human excrement. Did you break into Mrs. Conners house outdoor Dave?"
"No Wiki, I certainly did not."
"Do you have any ideas who may have?"
"Maybe it was the government. I know they've been making my life a living hell for years now."
"Ok, thanks for the help outdoor Dave.", and with that the crime solving duo took their leave.
"Wiki, why didn't you mention the pipe?", asked a puzzled Rahim a short while later.
"For two reasons Rahim: number one I already know where the pipe came from, number two outdoor Dave can't resist shiny objects. He would have taken it from us."
"Where did the pipe come from?"
"A glass pirate of course. Lets examine the evidence: the pipe is glass, pirates smoke pipes, pirates like treasure. Ipso facto, the culprit must have been a glass pirate."
"I see.", commented a befuddled Rahim.
"There's more. Since the crime happened here, and there's no water nearby, and it's not vacation season that can only mean one thing. That someone around here is either a retired or secretly active glass pirate."
"Yes Wiki, of course. That makes perfect sense.", Rahim commented sarcastically. Oh well, beats doing math homework he thought to himself.