Here I sit, considering my desire to write, to share, to record my ideas, personal history and musings. I've been a fairly private person most of my life. I confide my deepest thoughts to a select few1. I've often wanted to be the kind of person who journaled2, and would go as far as purchasing a nice, clean diary. I may have even placed the odd entry; though generally in some sort of cryptic code or vague reference carefully editing away the darker parts of myself so as to gain sympathy and understanding from my non existent reader. Now I have created a place where I am to store, nay archive these fettered considerations. A place where they are as much locked away as they are on display. A museum of the mind where admission is virtually free. I can feel myself already wanting to hold back, edit, deflect and secret away the thoughts and ideas I hold closest lest they be used against me in some fashion at a later date - in or out of context.
Not only have I wanted to be the sort of person who journaled, I've also wanted to be the sort of person that was the same person in all areas of life. As a child growing up I compartmentalized my life, did my best to keep any volatile parts separate from each other. I had my school friends, my home friends, my friends that had been vetted and were introduced to my family (these were generally folks that I intended to have in my life for a while and understood social niceties enough to blend in; at least a little). I did my best not to date in my own school; though I did make the odd exception, as we all do. Much like my friends, very few of my girlfriends made it into my home. The reasons for this are twofold. I didn't want my family getting attached to someone who I wasn't sure about. I didn't want to share my sanctuary.
My Gemini self has balanced these things for as long as I can recall. As I get older I find the tools and strength to push myself towards being the person I want/choose to become. I share more of myself to those I care about. I attempt to be more transparent to those in my community. I share more of my story to more folks if I think they may benefit from my experiences. I guess this blog is a logical step along that path.
I am a creative person. I love to build, make, fabricate and craft. I do this in many mediums but the overall theme is the same. I take raw materials, ideas and effort. I blend them together and come out with something. I hope it turns out to be something good, useful in some way or at the very least interesting. Sometimes my efforts are rewarded, other times it's back to the drawing board for a re-think and another attempt. I believe that will come through in future postings. I imagine you will see personal writings, rants, papers on topics, fiction, erotica, recipes and maybe even some really bad poetry if I can summon my teenage3 self. I don't intend to outline what is what4; I would find that both tedious and boring. I'm sure you would as well. "This is a story", "This an idea where I say fuck a lot", "This is a story about people fucking". That's amusing in a sentence once, maybe twice. I don't want to waste my second chance5.
I do hope that what I create is successful, insightful or at the very least a little interesting to you. I hope that there is some takeaway for you or at least some sort of emotional connection/reaction. I know that not every one will enjoy all of my content and I'm certain it will, over time, anger and irritate some. That is what art does; good art anyways. It reaches deep down touches something inside you and sends it bubbling up to the surface for you to consider. Whether your mind is open to that is up to you. I'm not apologizing for who I am and what I write nor am I asking for forgiveness. I'm sharing a portion the path that brought me here as well as some of the ideas that are and will be the foundation I build on in hopes that it gives context to what follows and through that context some level of understanding. Do with that what you will. By that I mean open your mind, keep reading and enjoy... or go fuck yourself6.
<< Past Future >>1Yes, Mark is among that few
2I blame Doogie Howser, M.D.
3I was quite the angsty teenage poet
4Though I may have a tag system one day
5To be amusing one more time with that sentence, in case you didn't follow
6Just to be clear I mean for you to take judgmental and otherwise negative thoughts and reactions elsewhere. I didn't mean for you to reward any mean spiritedness towards me by a night of self passions and satisfaction. Glad that's straightened out.