An Open Letter To Veggie Patty Manufacturers

Composed on the 13th of July in the year 2014, at 08:45AM. It was Sunday.

Veggie patties; and really all veggie meats are not only an oxymoron but also an increasing trend. This comes as great news to not only folks that are watching how they eat for cardiac and other health reasons but to folks like me that don't want to sustain themselves on the flesh of dead animals. We can now enter many a restaurant and have at least one thing on the menu we can order that's not salad or fries; which by the way is a standby meal I often go to when there's nothing else available.

I'm not vegan; but I am pretty close to it. I don't eat cheese or eggs on their own. This was the case even way back when I did eat meat. Knowing that anything a vegan can eat a vegetarian also can and understanding that obtaining as large a portion of market share as possible is important to any company it was surprising for me to discover that not all veggie burgers are vegan friendly.1

Here's a fake Venn diagram to illustrate my point.

Yes, you heard me correctly; not all veggie burgers are vegan friendly. Why the fuck would a company willingly throw away a significant portion of market share? Maybe there's some magical animal product that is vital to veggie burger creation? Nope, there isn't. I don't know why they do it; it doesn't make any sense to me. My only guess is that they're ignorant fucks that just don't know any better. Not unlike the time I was in Boston Pizza in Calgary and asked about their vegetarian options. They offered me chicken.2 Apparently chickens are vine ripened in Calgary.

Without further ado, here's the list of veggie burgers to:



Specifically the following flavours: Portabella, Sun-Dried Tomato Basil, The Original. If nothing else they all have cheese in them. As fate would have it, this is also the burger I stumble across the most. At work and Village events alike well meaning organizers proudly announce to me "We have a veggie burger for you!". I get very excited, then remember to ask what kind of veggie burger it is. It's a Garenburger!4 I politely decline; inform them as to why and quietly rage.

Fucking Gardenburgers.


I almost left Amy's off this list as there's only one burger they make that's not vegan. It's the appropriately named Cheddar Burger. There are a ton of burgers from Amy's that are vegan. I'll get to that later.

MorningStar Farms6

Every veggie burger these assholes make has both milk ingredients and eggs in them. MorningStar, you suck!


Almost every veggier burger these guys offer has cheese in it. I guess after they got super famous with their vegan patty they decided to give a big ol fuck you to the vegan folks with the rest of their line: All American Flame Grilled, Bruschette Tomato Basil Parmesan, Grilled Vegetable, Savory Mushroom Mozzarella, Cheeseburger and Original Chik'n Patties.


Much like Boca I was quite dissapointed with Yves. They offer far more non-vegan burgers than I would have ever thought. The following contain either milk products or eggs: Veggie Breaded Chick'n, Chicken Veggie Bistro, Veggie 7 Grain, Veggie Mushroom, Veggie Bistro and Veggie Prima.



Are you surprised to see these assholes here? I am. Turns out they have two vegan offerings; at least according to their website. They are the Black Bean Chipotle and Veggie Medley.


As I said earlier, the only non-vegan burger is the Cheddar Burger. That leaves the following flavours for purchase: California, Sonoma, All American, Bistro, Texas, Quarter Pound and Black Bean. Not too shabby indeed.


Original Vegan and Spicy Chik'n Patties. That's what Boca has left to offer us.



Non-vegan options aside there's still four to choose from: Garden Veggie, Good Veggie, Veggie Chicken and Ultimate Veggie. That's less than 50% but it's still something.

Dr. Praegers14

What happens when a couple of doctors decide to get into the veggie burger business? A boat load of win and awesome; that's what. These guys get it. Every veggie burger they offer is vegan. Here are the flavours: California, Kale, Gluten Free California, Asian, Thai, Tex Mex, Bombay and Italian.

Well done Dr. Praegers; well done.

I'm sure there are a lot of others out there that aren't on this list. I specifically targeted large brands that are also available in Canada that I have run across during my day to day.

Veggie patty manufacturers of the world: please stop being such ignorant assholes and throwing away huge market share.15 Start making patties vegans and vegetarians alike can eat; phase out the rest. The world doesn't need them.

Good Day

<< Past Future >>

1Fucking bullshit is another way to put it.

2Fuck you Boston Pizza!


4I think it gets purchased because it has the word garden in it.





9Yes there is a buy list. Once you're done boycotting the world you will probably need some nourishment.






15....and ruining picnics and public events for me!

Good Times!

© Jason Clarke 2014 All rights reserved.